Boundaries aren’t just about protecting yourself from others; they’re also about freeing others from worrying about you.

I send this to people often! The strongest friendships I have are ones where these notes are known and understood. (If you know what Crocker’s rules are, this is a more general set of rules that I think are more applicable to everyday life.)

Everyone talks about setting boundaries with the people around us, but one of the most powerful boundary anyone’s set with me was the promise that they were able to know themselves.

Telling someone that you can express discomfort… that you can say no when you don’t want to do something, is the most powerful thing you can tell someone. This means others won’t keep feeling bad if they ask you to come along to some event or do something, and you do it, so they won’t overthink asking you.

This is especially strong in younger/college communities, around things like substance consumption or going to events that not everyone would enjoy. When someone can feel confident that you will be able to express a dislike for something, they can ask for what they want without worrying they’re coming off too strong, because you’ve just as strong of a will! And feel comfortable enough around them to express how you feel!

In a way, this is a way to feel comfort in knowing others know what’s best for them. When trying to help someone or when trying to give someone advice, remember that in the end, others have a better view of their own life than you ever can, and that even if it eventually ends badly, it can be a chance for them to learn. A great example is in relationships — a lot of time, being an outsider can mean we think we have a much “better” idea of what someone should do. While a lot of people will often pressure someone repeatedly to break up with someone or change something, I also believe in letting people live.

This also means that when someone won’t listen to your advice, you need to think a lot about what you need to do to help them hear. My parents have given me a great deal of advice over the years, but I don’t think I ever fully internalized it until I had lived through the consequences, whether good or bad. Words can only go so far, and you have to let someone make and live through their mistakes. No one can ever live life without making a few regrettable mistakes and wrongs; otherwise, they’ve done nothing at all.

It’s difficult to watch people I care about make decisions that I feel are so obviously wrong, yet it might be that I shouldn’t stop them. In the relationship example, if I kept telling my friend they were making the wrong decision, it might make them feel increasingly conflicted and hurt, because they couldn’t even come to me to ask about things or rant about minor issues without having every conversation turn into an intervention. The goal is to be the voice of care, not the voice of judgment.

I like being able to talk about problems in my life with people who won’t just criticize the basis of the issue — i.e., when asking about a problem in a friendship, not telling me I should just not be friends, or "just say no". Or more commonly, complaining about college and being told to “just drop out.” There’s always more complexity to that, and if the person I’m talking to can’t grasp that, I find it hard to come to them for advice or help.

In some ways, contrarianism has its limits, and that when you meet someone, you only see the snapshot of who they are in that moment, never the moments before that created this person. And, speak up when something’s wrong — this won’t offend them, it only strengthens the friendship.

Crocker’s Rules exist, and are a good baseline to also look at, even though what I’m saying here is slightly different.

In a somewhat related note, you’re on your own kid has made me cry so many times, and also you’re gonna go far.